ADHD, Queer Identity, and Finding Your People
For Pride Month, I wanted to share a part of my story that I don’t talk about as often…
I’ve already shared my ADHD diagnosis story in a previous blog, but what I haven’t talked about as openly is what came after the diagnosis. Specifically, the surprising reactions from people I was close to, like friends and family.
Years after my diagnosis, when I started sharing more openly about my ADHD experience, I heard replies like, “Well everyone is a little ADHD these days.” and “I don’t believe in that stuff.”
I felt dismissed, brushed off, questioned, and minimized. I found myself overexplaining and stressing the point that ADHD was real, that it was affecting my life, that it wasn’t something I made up or something that would go away if I just tried harder. It was how my brain worked. It was part of who I was.
A Parallel I Noticed
This month, I’ve been reflecting on how much that experience mirrors another one I’ve carried for a long time.
I’ve known I was bisexual since I was in high school. I remember sitting at the lunch table with my friends and casually saying, “Come on guys, you know we’re all a little bi!”
My friends laughed, likely thinking I was joking. I was not. That was the first time I realized not everyone feels the way I feel. Not everyone else is like me.
So I shoved it down and didn’t really talk about it again. I didn’t want to be different. I didn’t want to be the other. I “moved on” with my life, in much the same way I tried to do with my ADHD diagnosis.
When I finally did share my feelings with those close to me, one of the responses I heard was: “You just haven’t met the right guy yet.” So, once again, I shoved aside my feelings and felt I couldn’t really trust myself. I masked. I hid it. I tried to make myself look more like what I thought everyone expected me to be.
The Weight of Masking Two Parts of Yourself
I suppressed both of those parts of myself well into my late twenties. But there was a cost. My mental health took a nose-dive because of this weight I was carrying. I felt inauthentic, misunderstood, and like I wasn’t in control of my own life. The worrying about what everyone else thought had finally taken a toll. Enough was enough.
If you have ever shared something important about who you are, only to have someone else explain it away, you know how painful that can be. It can make you question yourself. It can make you feel like you need to prove your own experience. It can make you shrink back from sharing the parts of yourself that deserve to be seen, supported, and celebrated.
Many queer people grow up learning to hide parts of themselves to stay safe or accepted. Many neurodivergent people grow up learning to mask, overcompensate, or pretend they are not struggling.
Both experiences can be exhausting. Both can lead to shame.
Coming out as bisexual and sharing my ADHD diagnosis were different experiences, but they had something important in common: both required me to trust myself even when other people didn’t immediately understand.
You Are Not Alone in This
I’m sharing all of this because I know I’m not the only one.
There are so many people who have felt othered too. Whether because of a neurodivergent diagnosis, their sexual identity, or both. And there’s something uniquely painful about being dismissed by the people who are supposed to know you best.
But here’s what I’ve learned: finding your people changes everything.
For me, that’s meant finding my neurodivergent community and my queer community. I don’t have to explain myself, I don’t have to prove anything, I can truly just be. And it has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever experienced.
You also deserve support that does not require you to shrink, prove, or defend who you are. You deserve people who meet you with curiosity instead of judgment. You deserve a community where you can feel seen, validated, and proud to be exactly who you are.
Show Up As You Are
If you’ve ever felt like you had to change yourself, mask who you are, or convince someone that your experience is real…I want you to hear this:
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for who you are!!
Your ADHD is real. Your identity is real. Your experience is valid. And you are exactly right, just the way you are.
I hope you find your people, the ones who don’t need convincing.
Support Resources
If you’re an adult with ADHD looking for support, I offer individual ADHD coaching and a free consultation where we can talk about what is feeling hard, what kind of support you need, and whether coaching may be a good fit.
I also host a free ADHD support group for adults. It is a space to connect with other people who understand what it feels like to live in a world that often was not built with your brain in mind.
For those in the Dallas area looking for LGBTQ+ community resources, here are a few places to explore:
Whether you are queer, neurodivergent, both, questioning, newly diagnosed, newly out, or still figuring out what language feels right, I hope you know this:
You are allowed to trust yourself.
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to be proud of who you are, even if someone else needs more time to understand it.
And you do not have to do it alone.
With love,
Chelsey